How to be a Texan in 10 easy steps

I mentioned last weekend a bunch of us went to the North Texas State Fair and Rodeo. It is the best place to people watch. I tend to stare at fascinating people and Joe is usually quick to grab my attention back to where it should be. I do this a lot in restaurants, too.

As the crowd began coming towards the stage, I noticed a group of country boys moving in to get in front of us. They were all clamored together in a group grabbing some dip from a friend and shoveling it into their bottom lips. Not the most glamorous thing, but it’s pretty common down here.

I started to really glance around the group and this one specific guy stood out. This dip-spittin, snap-wearin, studded belt sportin man was the spitting image of what typical people from other states think Texas is all about.

So I give you for your glorious Thursday entertainment:

How to be a Texan in 10 easy steps:

1. A snaps shirt. Every Texan must own a snap shirt with some barf-inducing color palette. If you include plaid in such a top well slap my momma and call me Willie Nelson!

2. Wrangler jeans. The darker the better. It’s perfectly okay and pertinent to wear them in the dead of summer. Our cold fronts come every week at a dismal 102 degrees.

3. An obnoxious belt. Extra points if it’s studded. Triple points if it can open your beer for you.

4. A hat. Now, lots of guys like their cowboy hats, but for those that find them a bit more cumbersome or really the “city boys,” the baseball hat is the winner. Keep the cowboy hat for that ranch you own out in Brownwood.

5. Boots. Cowboy boots. No other boots or shoes will suffice. The extra and trip points from #3 apply here as well.

6. Tobacco. It doesn’t matter if it’s chewing tobacco or cigarettes. Carry it on you and your sure to snag you a gem of a southern lady. A southern lady who loves mistaking the spit cup for her soda or making out with an ash tray.

7. Don’t forget the beer. It’s classy if it’s tucked away in a back pocket for storage. What a waste for all those koozies (cozies? coozies?). You’ve already got the beer opener down and now you’ve got a place to hold it for you as you rope in your longhorns or sling your gun.

8. Know the right people. The only way you’ll be successful around these parts is if you know the Ewings or have connections to Jerry Jones.

9. Ridin Dirty. You’re allowed one type of vehicle — a truck. It must be big and loud with a hemi.

10. Get yer twang on. “Ya’ll” is a priority among these Texan folk. And don’t you dare say “Pop” around here for that carbonated beverage most people drink.

There. Now go out in the middle of August wearing dark jeans, chewing tobacco and visiting the Ewing fam.  You can thank me later.

Disclaimer: I love you, Texas. Don’t be offended. We aren’t ALL like this 😉


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