An Ode to the Allen Wrench

I had another post scheduled for today, but after last nights festivities I must share an experience that nearly every human being has experienced once in their lifetime – multiple times if you’ve had the urge to buy pretty furniture.

Yesterday, I made my way to World Market, the one place besides Target that I can NEVER leave without buying something. With more square footage in our new place, we obviously have more room for more stuff. Woohoo! I love stuff!

I found this little beauty that I just NEEDED!

A perfect little bench with storage under the seat. With Market Street having a furniture sale, this little baby was calling my name. More like screaming it. After a quick approval from Joe, I told the sales lady I’d take it. She had one in the back and 20 minutes later I was headed home with a big box in the back seat.

After ripping the box open, we came upon a demon of all demons.

The allen wrench or for you geometrical nerds, the hex key/wrench. According to some moron, they believed this little tool was and is the greatest tool to build furniture.

So a few complaints later, we attempted to put the bench together. And we got fairly far until we realized that the last few holes to align the scews up with weren’t lining up at all. All because the allen wrench is the worst tool on the history of earth and should be banned from all existence. Scratch that. It should be used as a form of punishment. Yes, punishment.

Whomever makes the furniture believes that the allen wrench only needs a quarter of an inch to screw in 87 screws. The tiny tool fits baby hands. Unless I’m 3 months old or I’m Kristen Wiig in a Lawrence Welk skit they’re setting me up to fail miserably.

To solve this screwy problem, we would have to slightly unscrew all the screws and realign every piece, a task that neither of us wanted to tackle last night.

So here’s where it stands.

A lonely, unfinished piece of furniture on it’s side with a seat cushion and pillow for company.

I loathe you, allen wrench.
You are the worst tool to build my bench.

I was hoping for a place to sit.
But all the screws just won’t fit.

We’ve given up for the night.
But we’ve only just begun this fight.

You think you’re all that.
I must tell you, you are more useless than a fat, lazy cat.

To whomever invented you.
You’re one big bag of poo.

To all manufacturers.
Stop being morons (sorry. nothing rhymes with manufacturers).

Sincerely,

Consumers without furniture.

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